My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
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