You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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