My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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