i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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