There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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