I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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