Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize