this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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