so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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