Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
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I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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