we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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