She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
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Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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