u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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