it hurts more in the daytime
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
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Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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