It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
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He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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