this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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