M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you never un-have a 4some
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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