There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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