Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize