I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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