When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
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story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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