She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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