my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
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I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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