my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
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I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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