Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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