Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
