if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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