It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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