Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize