non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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