This is not my ceiling
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize