so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
