There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
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He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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