Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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