Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
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New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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