Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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