oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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