I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize