You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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