Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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