Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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