Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize