did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize