im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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