I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
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oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
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Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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