He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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