Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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