The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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