i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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