It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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